Growing up, scary words for anyone. Even though it's something we are all doing, whether we want to or not. We don't get a choice and with it comes change.
Growing is change, and I wish someone would have told me that, I wish someone would have told me that it would happen. That it was okay, it's okay to change. It's okay to drift away from people and things you used to love.
Instead people tend to say the wrong thing, they say you've changed. They say it in a way that makes you feel like you've done something wrong. Like you should fix it.
I have tried, believe me I tried to get back the person, everyone said they missed. She's gone, that person doesn't exist. I'm here though and I wish people would accept me as I am, maybe I am a little rough around the edges, maybe I am a little cynical a little broken.
This me, has been through things, has seen things, I can't go back to the carefree person I used to be. I think I came out on top, my faith is stronger than it ever was, and I am more resilient to people's unasked for opinions. Instead of seeing my accomplishments, people always seem to see my mistakes and downfalls. They seem to rate me on them.
My mom remarked to me that I used to be very black and white, I saw evil as evil and good as good. I would like to state that I don't think me changing on this was a bad thing. I think that God is the judge, and that yes most things are black and white, but people. People are grey, because we are born into sin, we are naturally inclined to sin we do bad things. Only because of God's grace can we be free of our sinful nature, so yes my view on how the world works has changed.
She thinks the books and media, I enjoy are too dark. She's probably right, but I relate to broken people, I prefer reality to some cleaned version of the world. The girl I used to be would be horrified at that, never thinking that one day I would curse, cry, and scream at God. That I would question the things that had once seemed so simple. I think the thing to remember is that I never doubted He was real.
Because once you grow up you find yourself tossed into this uncensored version of the world. Suddenly it's a lot colder, darker, and nastier then you thought. People are all clawing their way to the top, people really do fake it, they fake everything. Finding a genuine person is like winning the lottery, because no one wants to admit that they don't have a clue.
Once you get over this, the loneliness sets in.You start to feel very alone in the world, or maybe this is just me. I am floundering through life and adulthood like a disabled squirrel. Broke and unsure, I make bad decisions. Financially, Futuristic wise, and Fundamentally?
I have become more indecisive, if that is possible. I have moments where I want to delete all of my social media accounts. Which is silly because, I tend to keep most of my issues to myself and I only post when things are going really good.
I can't seem to focus, or dedicate myself to anything. I want to be one of those people, who everything they touch turns to gold. I want to succeed but I am the person holding me back.
I guess this is just me telling you guys that I'm struggling, but it's okay. If anything I am starting to think it's normal. Their growing pains.
I'm not going to let my problems stop me, so don't let them stop you.
Sorry if this post was illogical