4 Jul 2017

My Depression, Social Anxiety, and Me

I have been trying to write this post for a couple weeks now. I keep deciding against it. I hate being vulnerable. I like keeping all of my problems to myself, I don't want to come off as whiny or self pitying. Especially on the internet, where to be honest it's probably better to keep it to yourself.

I don't want people to think I'm looking for sympathy. I'm not, I'm aware that there are way bigger issues out in the world. The only reason I am even writing this, is in the hopes that it helps someone. Or makes someone feel less alone. I'm not trying to do this.

I hate having these companions in life with me. The depression kind of  goes in and out of my life, but the anxiety is a constant. It's strange because I never really acknowledged the anxiety for what it was until this year. I kept thinking if I just kept pushing myself, I would overcome it.

I do this with everything.
 Except this time it didn't work. In fact since I hit maybe eighteen, my anxiety especially in regards to social things has only gotten worse.

I used to do things, go places, hang out. I guess I fell out of step, everyone started dating and partying, since I wasn't interested I became irrelevant. I hung out at home, I read, watched tv shows, drank obscene amounts of coffee. They lost interest in me and I in turn with them.

 It's strange but even if you mind your own business and never say anything to anyone else about how they should live their life. They are still going to tell you what you are doing is wrong. Unasked for opinions make up about 80% of my interactions with people, which of course only doubles my anxiety, and steamrolls whatever confidence or self esteem I built up.

I keep trying though, I hang out with toxic people for the sake of hanging out, I let people use me. I let someone mistreat me for four months, and still took the blame for most of it. It's sad for never being in a relationship, I already have a lot of trust issues. I know my anxiety doesn't help with this, because it makes me suspicious of people. So this leads to a different issue.

 Actually not entirely accurate, I have friends, I have some really good true friends. Except none of them live near me. So I can feel pretty alone the average week. That feeling sucks, I have a great family they're supportive and as understanding as two parents 'who didn't have these issues when they were younger' can be.

They have sympathy, but they don't understand. It's being misunderstood that allows the depression to get it's claws in me. Having anxiety on an average day sucks, having depression sucks. Having both is a nightmare.

Suddenly normal,everyday things are impossible. Your world is black and white, you stay in bed, you push people away, you disconnect. You need to recuperate after hours of doing nothing, your brain runs off the tracks. It's not romantic, it's not aesthetic and it's not fun.

The only thing that gets me through the rough patches is God. I have come to rely on him for everything, which is the only good side to these mental afflictions. I pray, I read his word, and I breathe. I let him carry me through the storm and he has gotten me through every single one.

You don't come out cured and you don't come out unscathed. Some days I feel broken.

I hate feeling abnormal, having to justify everything I think or feel. I hate the way I overthink and analyze situations. I hate that my natural state is stressed. There are days when I crave the elusive nonexistent beast that is normalcy.

I know it doesn't exist, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it.

My social anxiety cripples me, because it goes unseen. I can probably carry on a forty-five minute conversation with you and you would think I was an extrovert. I can play along, I paste a megawatt smile on my face. Inside I am a mess, a big part of my anxiety lies in the fact that I hide it. It's only later that I go over it in my head, and decide you were probably only talking to me to be nice. I am also super annoying.

It's affecting so many things in my life, it's so much more than not wanting to answer the phone. It's fighting your mind, it's rehearsing your words before a conversation. It's being plagued by the constant fear that your doing something wrong.

You become hyper aware of yourself. Your breathing, walking, and even sweating. Which leads to being super insecure, and not wanting to go out. It's a vicious cycle, but I fight through it. I make a point of doing things, that I really don't want to do.

It's a process. Every time I take a step forward, I feel like I fall back at least three steps.

It sucks, but I keep trying.

... I have no idea how to end this so.....


  1. In answer to that last question, no. It makes you brave.

    You are ahead of the game, Skye. You recognize that there is a problem and you are trying to deal with it. You are making progress!

    Have you read any works by Dale Carnegie? I know that a lot of his works have helped me and my dad deal with similar issues to this.
    Another thing that helps me and my family keep the depression down is to keep your mind and body active. Get involved in a big project, or with a good group. Don't let the demons have the space in your head, if you get my meaning.

    My prayers are with you!


    1. Thanks, your comment made me feel a lot better about sharing this.

      That's the first step right :D
      No, but I will have to check his stuff out. Yes, exercise helps me alot.
      I understand I won't :)

      Thanks they are very appreciated!

    2. Good! I'm glad.

      You're welcome!


  2. Skye, your willingness to share your struggles with others is an encouragement. Just for you know-you are not alone. Those feelings of loneliness, anxiety, fear, and discontentment are things so many girls struggle with. I know I do! Over the last couple of months I feel as if I've been surrounded by people but yet drowning in a sea of loneliness, discontentment, and fear of what my future holds. Recently I sat down with tears in my eyes and begged the Lord to show me what I needed to do to be happy-to have His joy. It's like he said to me, "Brittney, you're trying to find fulfillment from people. It's like you need them to be happy. You want a boyfriend, a perfect friendship, people you can help, but you've got yours eyes on them and not on me. True happiness, true fulfillment, and true satisfaction can only be found in Me." And I realized that I was basing my life on the people in it instead of the person who gave me my life. If you look at people you'll always be discouraged! Thankfully we serve a God who can be trusted. The best remedy for an anxious and depressed spirit is to immerse yourself doing things for the Lord and spending time in his presence. I'll be praying for you Skye! Keep keeping on. The Lord has amazing plans for your life if you continue to serve Him <3

    1. Thank you for saying that, I was worried this post would come off as attention seeking. It's nice to know I'm not alone, but I feel bad that you relate. I'm glad you turned to God, and I think that is a big part of my problem,I am looking for approval and fulfillment from everyone but God. Thanks for taking time to share this,I will definitely take your advice. I think I need to focus on God, and forget everything else. Thanks for the prayers, your so sweet! <3
      This comment made my day!

  3. Oh, Skye, you are so, so, SO brave!!! I think we all tend to put on this internet facade of having a perfect life and being happy all the time. But I think when we drop that mask and be HONEST and REAL, do we really start to shine. Like you are doing.

    It breaks my heart that you have these struggles, but you are also an inspiration to all of us for how you're opening up, and how you seek God through it all. Loneliness is something I struggle with quite a lot. Or just being...different. As you saw in my last post, I don't exactly live like the rest of the world. So even when I'm with people, it doesn't always mean I feel like I'm PART of them. What you said about being misunderstood resonated so deeply with me. I spend most of my life being misunderstood, and it can be so hard. So lonely.

    But you are not alone! I know God is proud of you, Skye, and will carry you through this. You just keep being your beautiful self and pursuing Him. And if you EVER need someone to talk to, my inbox is always, always open. *HUGS*

    Thank you again for being so brave and speaking out to support and encourage others. Love you, girl. You're always in my prayers! <3

    1. Christine! Your comments never fail to make me smile.

      I hate that facade, I love honesty. It's so important, I think your latest blog post inspired me.

      I have no words! I'm glad us two lonely, misunderstood people found each other. I hate that you feel like that too, it sucks. <3

      *Bear Hug* Thank you for your beautiful words! Same for you if you ever need to talk feel free to email me.

      Thank you for your sweet comments, and giving me confidence. Love you too, and same! <3

  4. *sends you ALLLL the hugs* Darling, you are so strong and society is so hard and I feel like anything I can say is probably meaningless and flat in the face of what you have to fight on a daily basis. I just want to say that the way you are handling it and trusting in and clinging to God is really encouraging. Knowing that you are able to do that is just another piece of proof that we can take our burdens to Him and He will guide us through the messy impossible parts of life and that gives me hope.
    Gosh, this has got me tearing up a little. I'll be praying for you Skye, and I know I'm probably just another acquaintance on the internet, but if you ever feel lonely or need to talk I am here and always willing to listen. <3

    1. <3 Thanks Lizzy, this comment made my day! I also teared up :D
      I want to be strong, but I usually feel pretty weak. I don't believe that, you have a way with words. I'm glad it's encouraging, because I think that is the only thing I am doing right. He does and it always amazes me, he really does carry you through the fire.
      :D Thanks I need them, I consider you a friend!
      The same goes for you, it's nice to have people to talk to.


  5. I agree with Catherine. I think it makes you brave. To some people doing "normal everyday" things is easy, but it's hard for you. Thus when you do them even when it scares you, you're being brave. Like for someone who likes swimming and the ocean, doing something like surfing or deep sea diving is just fun. But if someone who is scared of the water decided to learn how to surf or deep sea dive, that's brave for them.

    And since the things that scare you are everyday things, so you encounter them everyday, I think that makes you braver than the average person (who doesn't deal with anxiety on a daily basis).

    I definitely haven't been through things that bad, and I know I don't deal with daily social anxiety (although I def go through bouts of it). But people have been mean and manipulative. People have abused my friendship. And for a long time I honestly just didn't talk to people. I didn't have any friends (or rather I just didn't have friends who lived within visiting distance) and none of the people around me would make good friends. So I just went to work and then went home. I only talked to my family and that was it.

    I have friends now, but yeah, it's still really hard sometimes to share things with them. Sometimes because I know they're going to be like, "Aw, Ashley." And I'd be like, "Don't 'aw, Ashley' me." I don't want to be coddled. Who does? But then sometimes I just don't know how to say it? Even when I know I'm around safe people. I don't know how to say it to make them understand. Or so that it doesn't sound stupid or childish. It's frustrating not knowing how to talk about emotions and stuff. And even more so when I don't know what my emotions are doing.

    I do that thing too where you act like everything's ok (although I tend to own being the awkward quiet person). I actually like small talk because it's safe. I don't have to talk about personal stuff. The only time I don't like small talk is when I'm with my friends. I want to know how they're actually doing, which I think is one of the few reasons that I do open up to people? If I want them to open up to me, then I've got to be fair and open up to them, right? But I only do that after I know it's safe.

    Anyhow. That was in no particular order or structure. XD

    Thank you for posting this. I know it had to be really hard and I respect you a lot for doing it.

    1. That made me feel so much better about everything! Mostly when dealing with something like anxiety you just feel pathetic because everyone else seems to have no problem and then there is you, and you feel stupid. Thank you for that different perspective on it.

      Any kind of anxiety sucks. Manipulative people are the worst, especially if it's your friend or family member. I am kind've in that stage right now, friendless and alone ;)

      That's good, knowing you got through it helps me. I hate the Aw Skye thing too, because most times I'm not looking for sympathy, I want to be understood. Most people never will understand and that's okay, but if you ever want to talk to someone who gets it. I'm here for you!

      I've started doing it a lot more, because it's what most people want or expect of me. Me too, small talk for the win, anything else and I feel like I give away too much. I try to do that too, but most of my friends are fighting their own battles and seem to have a hard time even hearing mine.

      Like this blog post XD

      Thanks for reading and understanding it means a lot. <3

  6. Skye! Thank you so much for posting this! We are all 100% behind you, and I will pray for you about this. I know the internet is a hard place to face up to realities. We're encouraged to create a facade, or on the other hand, Tumblr/Pinterest romanticise mental illness. The line from this post, "It's not romantic, it's not aesthetic and it's not fun.", really struck me, because we can view it as "aesthetic", definitely. It is not! And I am so, so sorry that you're going through all this, and that people in your life have not helped.

    I can't give advice about mental illness from personal experience, but I can say this: take it all to the Lord. I love this verse from Psalm 139:

    Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
    in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

    God has a plan for your life. He knows it all. And it's impossible to see it right now, but one day, you will look back on this period and see that He was drawing you closer to Him. "And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8v28)

    Praying for you! xx

    1. Thanks for reading and commenting Emily! Thanks, I need as much prayer a I can get. It is because it seems to either ignore or glorify mental illness. I didn't want anyone to think I was romanticizing it, if anything I want to show how ugly and frustrating it really is.

      The best advice I've gotten has always come form His word. :D He has been holding me through all of it.

      Thank you for the lovely verse and your lovely words. They mean a lot.